When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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