my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
