You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
