Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
