and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
