I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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