the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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