to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
