Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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