I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
