I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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