the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Randomize
