guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
