didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
