I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
