I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
