I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
