Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
