Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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