If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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