I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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