Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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