please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
