im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
