I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
