Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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