And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
