I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
