There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
