Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
