I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
