..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
