currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
