I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
