I just cut my nipple shaving
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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