highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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