you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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