I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
