I think i peed on brittanys purse
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
