So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
