ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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