I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
