I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
