I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
