I wish I only lived at night.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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