ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
