Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
