he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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