Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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