So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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