FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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