I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
