Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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