I could have mohawked her pubes.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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