Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
