I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
