Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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