i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
