Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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