I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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