shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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